Mission Coach Newsletter April 2005 (Vol. 4) Welcome to the April Mission Coach Newsletter. Spring has arrived (for those of us living in the Northern Hemisphere) and Spring is the time for new growth and new beginnings. It is my hope the Mission Coach monthly newsletter and the information on the Mission Coach web site helps you in some way to make these new beginnings. It only takes one idea, one time, to completely transform your life! This month we look at Inspiration, Mistakes and Frustration & Desperation as being more ways of Rediscovering your Life’s Purpose in part 2 of this 3 part article. The Tool being reviewed is “Overcoming Anger and Irritability”, we find out if “Cognitive Behavioural Techniques” are the solution to overcoming these very earthly emotions. Would you prefer to receive your Mission Coach Newsletter in HTML format? Find out more about this option in the “What’s New at Mission Coach” section along with details of the British Humanitarian Aid Newsletter now on the Mission Coach site. Have you missed a previous addition of this Newsletter? Fear not! Details of the Mission Coach Newsletter Archive are also in the “What’s New” section. Let’s get started with 3 more ways to Rediscover our Life’s Purpose. This Month's Article
9 Ways to Rediscover Your Life's Purpose (Part 2) This month we continue our quest for ways of rediscovering our Life’s Purpose. Last month we looked at why the term “Rediscover” is used (not “discover” or “find”), we also looked at Epiphanies, Illness and Accidents and Defining Moments as ways of rediscovering our Purpose in Life. Let’s continue with .. 4 - Inspiration
Inspiration often leads to a shift in perspective by lifting us to a point which enables us to see ourselves and our role on the planet in a different way. Inspiration can be stimulated by; books, tapes, movies, listening to inspirational speakers, music, even a “coincidental” meeting with a complete stranger*. While it is tempting to consider these “external” objects as being the “source” of inspiration they are not. Inspiration, just like any other emotion, is an internal response to (what is often) an external stimulus. The book, tape, person, music (whatever) presents us with the opportunity to become in-spired, were this not true everyone in the presence of the stimulus would also be inspired by it. Clearly this is not the case and if it were it would violate our Free Will to ignore the stimulus and remain solidly uninspired! Inspiration, just like breathing (another definition of “inspire” is “to breath in”), is something we do to ourselves for ourselves and if we choose to become inspired to a significant degree we feel motivated to take the kind of action that leads us to the “Defining Moment” we explored in point 3 last month.
But what happens if we are inspired to take action and it all goes “wrong”**? What happens if we make .. 5 - A Mistake
Mistakes** can lead us into unknown territory, bearing in mind many of us have spent a lifetime searching known territory for our Life’s Purpose the unknown could be the “right” place to be! Mistakes often take one of 3 forms:
a) A mistake is doing the “right” thing but in the “wrong” place (or context) e.g. you are driving, you take the wrong turn, you are still driving (the right thing) but now on the wrong road (in the wrong place).
b) A mistake is doing the “wrong” thing but in the “right” place (or context) e.g. you are driving, you take the correct turn (in the right place), your car runs out of petrol and you start walking (the wrong thing).
c) A mistake is doing the “wrong” thing in the “wrong” place (or context) e.g. you are driving, you take the “wrong” turn (in the wrong place), your car runs out of petrol and you start walking (the wrong thing). These 3 scenarios present us with the opportunity to gain a different perspective on activities we perform (and therefore experience) in the same way. Doing and experiencing something in a different way can yet again lead to that precious “Defining Moment” we looked at last month. We are social animals but unlike other animals who herd together for physical safety we reason that if the majority of people are moving in a particular direction that direction must be “right”. Yet isn’t it odd the people we most admire are those who are clearly expressing their individuality and moving in a direction of their own choosing and frequently make mistakes! If we can accept this to be true we are faced with a dilemma. We feel safe moving with the herd but at the same time we have the inherent desire to express and experience our individuality and to do this we must break away. Author Wayne Dyer calls this “leaving the tribe”. Whatever metaphor you choose you can be certain of one thing; consistently ignoring your desire to express and experience your individuality can lead to .. 6 - Frustration and Desperation
I’ve had enough! is an expression most of us have used in a moment of desperation. The art is for us to consciously use the high energy state of desperation to take action that serves our Purpose*** and can lead us to yet another opportunity to experience (yes, you guessed it) a “Defining Moment”. Alternatively we have the Free Will to take action intended only to relieve the frustration (TV, drink, drugs, retail therapy, workaholism etc.). These activities, or variations of them, are those most likely to be chosen by the majority of people (the herd). Those people who are moving in a different direction to the majority (the people we most admired in point 5) are likely to choose to do something different. So, the question could now be “what makes these people different and how can I be more like them?” which brings us nicely to the next way of rediscovering our Life’s Purpose .. 7 – Modelling (next month!) Footnotes for this month’s Article
* “Complete stranger” is an interesting expression! How is it that we use the term “complete” or “perfect” to define a stranger but don’t (or very rarely) use the same terms to define a friend? Wouldn’t it be great to have a “complete friend”?
** In a Universe where everything happens “on purpose” there can be no such thing as a “wrong” direction or a “mistake”.
*** For much the same reasons as the footnote above, there is no action we can take that does not in some way serve our Purpose even if it only leads us to discover what our Life’s Purpose is not! This Month's Tool Review This month we review the book “Overcoming Anger and Irritability: A self-help guide using Cognitive Behavioural Techniques” by William Davies, Published by Robinson, ISBN 1-85487-595-7, 227 pages. Price on Amazon £6.39 (US $10.17) see the links at the bottom of this newsletter. In February this year I entered my favourite bookshop (Borders in Oxford) with the intention of finding “something different” to the spiritual diet of books I have been consuming for a while and this book caught my eye. Anger is not something I experience that often but irritability (which some may argue is a form of anger anyway) I do. So, did this book help me? Let’s find out. The book is in 2 parts, Part 1 is titled “Understanding What Happens”, Part 2 is “Sorting it out”. Chapter 1 seeks to establish the difference between anger and irritability, in summary anger is “acceptable if perceived to be justified” and irritability is “an unjustified negative response to a situation”. The author accepts the word “justified” is open to some interpretation! Chapters 2 and 3 look at what makes us angry and why we are not angry all the time. The author uses the term “inhibitions”* (throughout the book) to describe what stops us from being angry; “Inhibitions, then, are in fact wonderful things – rather like the brakes of a car, they prevent us from going too far too fast”. In chapter 4 we start to “model”, using diagrams, the flow of anger from the trigger to the response and the stages between, in chapter 5 the concepts of “judgement” and “appraisal” are introduced to explain how each of us differ in what makes us angry. Building on the model, the concept of Beliefs and how they influence our behaviour is introduced in chapter 6, chapter 7 looks at our moods, what affects our mood and how our moods also influence our behaviour. Chapter 8 poses the question “Is it always wrong to be angry?” and on the subject of tolerance the author makes an interesting point; “The trouble is that if we happen to be rather intolerant individuals we feel there is a lot of ‘behaviour we don’t want’, which in turn means that we will spend an awful lot of our lives being angry. In this context the concept of ‘zero tolerance’ seems to me to be a disastrous one. For the state to discuss, advocate and encourage a principle of ‘zero tolerance’ seems doomed to produce adverse consequences across the board.” This chapter also looks at anger as motivation. Chapter 9 takes us into Part 2 - “Sorting it out”. The author suggests keeping a diary of events and noting the “Trigger” and the “Response”. The purpose for doing this is to gain clarity about the trigger. In chapter 10 we examine our “Appraisal and Judgment” of the situation making us angry and look at “5 types of errors in appraisal and judgement” we commonly make. The author uses several examples (previously used in the book) to illustrate these errors and offers 3 ways in which we make more helpful appraisals and judgements. This chapter continues with a number of exercises and closes with the RCR (Review Cement Record) technique which appears under the sub-heading “So How Do You Change Really, Permanently?” Chapter 11 has us examining our own beliefs and how they influence each stage of the model from our appraisal of the situation through to our response. There follows some suggestions for developing more “helpful” beliefs including; using “cue cards”, the “AA” method “developing Alternative beliefs and Acting them out” and having a “Role-Model”. Anger and how to deal with it is in chapter 12 curiously titled “Cats, Camels and Recreation: Anger” in which the author makes this point “.. anger is additive: it builds up. Again, the best analogy is a leaky bucket with holes in it; it is still possible to fill the bucket to overflowing by pouring several jugs of water in quick succession. When the bucket overflows that’s the equivalent of an outburst of anger or irritability.” We are back with Inhibitions in chapter 13. We discover our inhibitions are governed by complex rules and the author divides inhibitions into 2 categories; “Moral” and “Practical”. The idea of a traffic light is introduced in this chapter as a way of controlling anger; the red light is “any amount of anger or irritability we feel” at which point we stop allowing the anger to subside. The traffic light technique is used again in chapter 14 which looks at our responses, we also revisit the idea of modelling our responses on someone who sets a good example. The author stresses the importance of “reviewing” our responses to a given situation. Chapter 15 goes into greater detail about what affects our moods (and therefore our behaviour) including the effects of routine, exercise, drugs, nutrition, sleep, illness and stress. “Testing Your Knowledge” is the title of chapter 16, the last chapter, which contains a number of examples for the reader to work through. Conclusion
This may be stating the obvious but the benefits of reading this book will very much depend on “where you are”. If you are new to the idea of “self-help” and taking control of your life (including controlling your emotions) then this book would serve as a good introduction with numerous every-day examples to work through. If you already have an interest in the role that beliefs and values play in our lives and how they affect our behaviour you may find yourself wanting to “cut to the chase” with this book, in which case the examples and case studies may not serve as well. Next month we will be reviewing the book “There is a Spiritual Solution to every Problem” by Wayne Dyer.
Footnotes to this month’s Tool Review
* The word “inhibitions” is much used in everyday language to describe what stops us demonstrating what could be called “positive” behaviour, to use the same term to describe what stops us from demonstrating what could be called a “negative” behaviour (anger) is confusing! This confusion is compounded by the author describing an extremely violent man who cannot control his anger as having “underdeveloped inhibitions”. Using this logic “Anger Management” could be renamed “Inhibition Development”! In this context “inhibition” is being used to describe an “effect”, what would be more interesting (and maybe more helpful) would be to identify the “cause”, in NLP terms this would be a “value”. Let’s take the example (found in the book) of “Steve” sitting in a pub where people repeatedly leave a door open causing a cold draft to come in. This guy is getting really irritated and lays into (verbally) the 5th person who leaves the door open, he hesitates to go for the 4th person because the man is too big. The “inhibition” (using the author’s term) stopping him from letting rip at number 4 is “the man is too big he might hit me and I will get hurt”, the “value” (and “positive intention” in NLP terms) behind this inhibition is “I value my life”. In this example it is not the inhibition that stops him from demonstrating his anger at person number 4 but something he values more highly (his life) than his value being violated (being considerate of others by closing the door) and is therefore making him angry. What's New at Mission Coach Would you like your Mission Coach Newsletter in HTML?
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